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Sunday, November 20, 2011

Am I Nuts?

And what becomes of our mind,
And it's thoughts,
Once we realize we are
Blessed with eternity?
Or for some,
Perhaps cursed? 

The particular thought above crossed my mind some twenty-odd years ago while standing behind some prison bars waiting for them to open. You do a lot of that in jail, whether you're an inmate or an employee. Standing and waiting. And thinking. The saying in jail is, "Hurry up and wait." The bars are closed. You stand. You wait. You think. No matter who you are. Or think you are. Bars are closed? You stand. You wait. You think. My thinking now (prayer actually) about bars is, when they do close, just let me be on the right side of them. I encourage others to think and pray this way also, because the truth is, jail is hell. No matter how many amenities they may or may not provide you with, jail is hell because jail is loss of freedom. Now, loss of freedom may be better than loss of life, say starving or freezing to death, but that doesn't make it something good. It just makes a bad thing, better. A better bad. Loss of freedom is still bad. Hell is bad. Loss of freedom is hell.

Not that time has anything to do with the matter-at-hand, but is that aged thought above about "minds and eternity" a normal thought? I mean, do other people have these kinds of thoughts? Was it put there by some alien force, some mind far greater or maybe eviler, than my own? Was it me? My higher mind, asking me a question? Is there such a thing anyway? A higher mind? And if so, aren't we all just kidding ourselves? Playing a child's game we all decide to play together and pretend it's real? Am I really just my higher mind pretending to be something I'm really not? Am I really just my higher mind fucking up? But how could a higher mind fuck-up, if he's so "higher"? Stupid higher mind.

Answer to all of the above is: I don't know. I guess it's just me fucking up. Higher mind or not. But why haven't I been able to forget the strange question above all these years later? Is it a question worth remembering? Why do we ask questions? Should we even ask questions? And if so, should we really expect answers? And if so, answers from where? Am I nuts?

Read on to find out... then we'll both know.