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Thursday, February 2, 2012

Jedi Mind Tricks

If a gambler loses a million dollars gambling in heaven, does it really matter? Is there really such a thing as "gambling" in heaven? Is there really such a thing as heaven? Are there no end to my insipid questions? Okay, maybe they're not as insipid as they are annoying. In any case, the answer to the first three questions above are "no", "no" and "I sure hope so or else why am I wasting all this time trying be a good boy."

I wore two sets of clothing the day McMullen flew the coop. Need I say say more as to our basic idea of how to escape jail without really trying? We were about the same size, so that wasn't going to be an issue. Belief it or not, we argued more over style than anything else. "I ain't escaping jail dressed like no hipster!" was the height of McMullen's objections to what I might wear underneath what I wore over top. I had no idea what the hell a hipster was, but suspected it had some kind of fashion tie-in to a beatnik, which I was probably guilty of dressing a little like at one time or another over my many years fashion trending, so I agreed not wear "hipster" clothes underneath that particular day. Anyway, a suit and tie wasn't going to cut it either. Too conspicuous. Nobody who works in a jail wears a suit and tie in jail except people who don't really work there. You know, like politicians and administrators? Anyway, the suit and tie was out as escape fashion we thought. That was until we found out about a group of college students from China that happened to be scheduled for a visit the day of liberation. Who says there's no god? I mean, what are the odds a group of college students, from freakin' China no less, would be visiting some jail in New Jersey that day? No McMullen wasn't Chinese, but we knew there'd be an American "delegation" of some sorts hosting them on their tour of paradise and the whole thing would provide a nice distraction and camouflage at the same time for what we had planned.

I'd work on the officers in the area that day, using my Jedi mind tricks on them beforehand to set their judgmental eyes on everything and everyone other than McMullen. I all had to do was make up some sex stories about the women in the visitor's entourage and throw in some political bullshit about China and freedom and good ol' Amercia and yada, yada, yada, and they'd soon be oblivious to the fact that one of their inmates of over some fifteen years was about to walk out the front door. I mean, did they know this really wasn't a "college" group visiting from China, but was really all just the veiled first steps to the privatization of all the correctional officers' jobs? If not, I was going to tell them. Yeah, the government owed so much money to China, they were selling all the prisons to the Chinese to pay off some of the debt. Of course the Chinese would offer them their jobs back once they took over. Yeah, at half the pay and with no benefits, but hey, at least you'll have a job. ...I know, doesn't sound like anyone with half a brain would believe such nonsense, but you'd be surprised at what gets passed around as the truth in a prison. Rumor and innuendo can spread like herpes in a whorehouse. It's true, there are no secrets in jail. And that bit of social science was going to work just fine for me and McMullen.